This Is the Reason for the Hope That I Have

My job, if I take the time to notice, continually reminds me of the fragility of life.

In the past week or so, two patients have stayed close to the surface of my memory.  The first, a middle-aged man who died suddenly and unexpectedly only hours after I first met him.

The second, a young girl not yet old enough to go to school, body weak and head bald from intense chemotherapy to kill off a fast-growing brain tumor.  Doctors don't put the odds of survival in her favor.

I took a coworker with me to this little girl's house, primarily because her home life is such that I did not feel safe going on my own.  After our visit, my coworker commented that seeing things like that "really makes you question your faith."

The conversation didn't go any farther than that, but I thought to myself how the opposite is true for me.  Seeing and experiencing hopeless and unfair and tough situations drives me closer to God, deeper in my faith.  To me, going through the trials of life without God seems worse than the trials themselves.

This day, Resurrection Sunday, is my most favorite day of the year.  There is a joy that fills my heart to overflowing when I stand up and sing praises to my risen King.  I get excited to be with my fellow believers and share this joy with them, because this faith we have is what binds us together as family.

Today, after a weekend of remembering the brutal death of Jesus on the cross, we celebrate His victory when He came back to life and conquered death once and for all.

You see, this is why I live.  When I see little girls with brain cancer and feel the pain that comes with life, this is what keeps me moving forward.  This is the reason I am able to get out of bed every morning, because truthfully, if not for this hope in Christ, I would find no purpose in life.

Because of what Jesus did for me and for you, I have an undying hope in His promises to come.  I know that when I die my life isn't over, but rather just beginning.  This whole life is just a single page in the book of eternity.  There is more to come, something greater, and that is the purpose for which I was created.

Eyes Update

Saw the retina specialist on Thursday in Sioux Falls.  They had asked me not to eat or drink anything before coming, so with those instructions and the urgency they felt to schedule me right away, I went with the full intention of having some form of surgery that day.  My friend came along, as regardless of the outcome, I would be unable to drive afterward.

Once my eyes were dilated to the size of basketballs, the doctor came in and began his poking and prodding.  And by poking and prodding, I mean digging for gold.  I had no idea it was possible to palpate the back side of the eye with a stick.

He told me I have a condition called lattice degeneration that comes with being near-sighted.  Basically, my retinas have become so thin that they have torn in a couple of places, one on each eye.  He thinks they've been there probably three to six months already.  There's a 20-30% chance they will worsen at some point, which can be reduced to 3-4% if I have laser surgery to scar down the damaged areas.  Regardless, he wants to see me again in a few months to determine if these holes are growing or not.  I decided to wait until that time to see what he finds and make a decision about surgery then.

All in all, good news.  I mean, it's not good to have holes in my retinas.  But the condition isn't serious, and I feel like I'm in the care of professionals who know what they're doing.

I celebrated by having drinks from Sonic and Caribou.  Happy hour at both - can't beat that.

I deeply appreciate all the prayers and support.  I had no doubt I was being prayed for by many people.  From Wednesday night on, I had a sense of peace and no presence of anxiety or nervousness (until he was ready to deliver the diagnosis).  That kind of peace can come only from the Father, Who watches over us and cares about even my eyes.

Grateful.

That's how I felt this morning when I first opened my eyes as all three alarms were blaring at me to get out of bed.  That's how I felt as I watched a beautiful sunrise in my rear-view mirrors on my way to work.

Would it be the last one I ever see?

A routine eye exam last night revealed holes in my retinas that need immediate attention.  And while my vision this morning was the same as it was before my appointment, I woke up much more aware of how precious this gift of sight is.

I'm not in grave danger of losing my eyesight.  But I know enough to recognize my increased risk for retinal detachment, and that it can happen at any time without warning, or without anything to stop it.  So tomorrow I will venture out to see a specialist, who may or may not decide I need surgery.  I'm not too excited about all these unknowns, or the prospect of having sudden and unplanned surgery.  But I go in the care of the Father, the Great Physician, who has my days planned out and will keep me close.  I am in good hands.

Disappointment in Obedience

I thought I did really well...so where are the results?  I worked really hard to shift my focus, rely on His power, and practice self-control.  For two weeks now I've been at it.  But according to the scale, nothing seems to have paid off.

I shared in a previous post that I'm on a journey to lose weight.  Forty pounds, to be exact.  And not just to lose it (because I've lost and gained it many times over), but to keep it off.  For good.

This is a subject that I prefer to avoid and address quietly, on my own.  It's one of those things that if I don't point out or draw attention to, then no one will notice.  Or so I pretend.  But here is where I blog my thoughts and lessons and ponderings, and this is where my life is at right now.

I had a successful January of counting points and ended up losing five pounds.  But from the get-go, I've been hesitant to launch back into my standard diet routine because it's never lasted.  There's something deeper that needs to be addressed besides simply limiting my food intake.  So I started reading Made To Crave by Lysa Terkhurst and embarked on a new journey, this time with my focus on obedience to God, practicing self-control, and living/eating in the healthy way God intended for each of His creations.  For the past two weeks, I've ditched the points and prayed to God for strength and His power to make good decisions.  I've been successful, and it's been empowering.  I've avoided the bottomless pit of Girl Scout cookies that sit next to my desk at work, chosen to eat fruit over chocolate, taken smaller portions in the cafeteria lunch line, and yesterday (my greatest achievement yet) passed up multiple plates of pizza at the Pizza Hut lunch buffet in exchange for a healthier salad bar plate, one slice of pizza, and two small bread sticks.  Still not the ideal lunch...but it was a triumph for me and it felt great.

So when it came time for my weekly weigh-in this morning, I was excited to step on the scale.  Excited, as in I had been anticipating this moment for a couple of days.  Excitement that was quickly dashed to pieces as the scale told me I had gained two pounds.  After seven weeks (minus a week of vacation from my diet) of hard work, my net loss is three pounds.

Three.

Crushed.  Disappointed.  Things like that surrounded me and I pointed out to God that I had been obedient.  I had refrained from naughty food and deprived myself of many treats.  I thought He had been pleased with me.  Why, then, didn't I lose?

I have managed today to continue to make good choices, though my emotions would much rather throw me into despair and have me "take a day off."  I'm trying to remember that obedience is more important than results.  I may have slipped up a few times, but I am satisfied that I did a good job and believe God is pleased.  Part of this journey is to find peace with my body, and I am obviously not there yet.  But it's only been two weeks.  And I have to remember that I was up a couple of pounds this time last month as well.  So maybe it's the timing.  Maybe it's simply water weight, caused by the diet soda I drank yesterday or the antibiotics I've been taking this week.  I am trying to remain hopeful.

Regardless of today's results, my job is to keep on, to remain obedient and self-controlled, seeking His power and promises and truths.  The journey is what gets me to the destination.

I nervously peeked through her slightly-open door.

Awake.

Well, here goes.  I took a deep breath and walked into her room.

I putzed around for a few moments.  She needed help pouring water into her cup, so I did that for her.  Then handed her the glass to take a drink.  Pretty soon there was nothing left to distract me from doing what I came to do without creating an even more awkward presence.  So I sat.

Is it ok if I talk to you for a few minutes?

She nodded.

*Silence*

...I was thinking about you yesterday...and...I feel like God wants me to ask you this...I know you've had a lot to think about lately with everything...

She muttered her agreement.

...and...um...are you confident with where you're going when you die?

She didn't miss much of a beat.  Told me she's ready to go, but doesn't understand why she has to go through all this.  Started to recap her experience over the past several weeks, and then an aide entered the room to take her into the bathroom.  At some point she had pushed her call light.  If it was before or after I showed up, I have no idea.  For all I know, she pushed it as soon as I started stammering around so someone would come relieve her of the situation.

So she and the aide headed to the bathroom.  And I left.

I don't know what I was expecting.  I couldn't help thinking how cool it would be if I could've left her room celebrating a new conversion to Christ.  Or at least having a long conversation about heaven and what it's going to be like.

I can't say I was prepared for the brief two and a half minutes that had caused my tummy to ache over for the past eighteen hours.  Or for the fatigue of waking up early to see her before work.  Or for the crazy whirlwind day that followed.

Yesterday kicked my butt.

I don't think I regret doing it.  I'm mostly sure it's what God was asking me to do.  I can't see any immediate benefit from the situation.  No one was saved who wasn't already reportedly saved.  Friends prayed with me the night before, and I have no exciting answered prayers to share with them and rejoice over.  I was stretched and stepped out in faith, and I'm pretty sure next time isn't going to be any easier.  I have no solid conclusions to come to, other than I did it and now it's over.

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give 

the reason for the hope that you have.  

I Peter 3:15