The Season of Now

Never have I felt more alive than during this season of life.  Never have I felt more free to love as I do right now.  I tried to pinpoint the cause, to nail down the secret so that I never leave this place of joy and fullness I am finding in my Maker.  I flip through one event and explanation after another in the file folders of my mind, only to realize that each one is connected to all the others, and none of them are the answer anyway.  No, if anything, each one is a result.  And I then come to realize that this is part of the season of right now.  Sooner or later another season will descend, and there will be more lessons and joys and heartaches to behold along this journey called life.  I wish that this season could last for always, but that is not the nature of seasons and that is not a bad thing.  Each one is deemed necessary and useful by my Creator in order to carry on to completion the good work that He began (Phil 1:6).

I feel free to lavish the love of Christ on those around me.  I am finding that the more of this love I pour out, the more I have to give.  I cannot explain it, because the past has told me that the more I love, the more of me it takes until I fall exhausted and am unable to give of myself any longer.  Sometimes there is love that requires great sacrifice and it is not always pleasant because it means putting to death the part of me that wants only for myself.  I am sure this sacrificial love will come around again in another season.  But for now, He is leading me to rest and enjoy the beauty of His green pastures and still waters as I bask contentedly in the sunlight of His love and pleasure.  He fills me to overflowing, and I am able to wrap the people around me in the extensions of His arms.  He overwhelms me with compassion for the broken and the hurting, including those crushed in heart, and my sweet patient whose intense pain He has chosen to let linger a while longer.  My insides ache for these precious ones, and so I pray for them, for their healing and for their hearts to find fullness in Him.  I long to reflect His glory in a way that leaves no doubt of His great love and grace.

Grace.  So beautiful.  So undeserved.  That is why it is beautiful, because I don't deserve it, yet He hands it to me by the oceanful.  He is grace, and He cannot be anything less, just as He is love and cannot love me or you any more or less than He does in this very moment.  He delights and pursues and finds pleasure in each one of us, and He will stop at nothing to win our hearts.  I am also discovering that as I love and lavish and open my heart to receive the love of others, His greater love story is in full swing and I am actually falling more in love with Him.  He draws me and loves me because He delights in me, and this brings Him pleasure and glory.  Oh, for grace to love Him more!

The Greatest of These

Love God, love people.  Why do we go to church on Sunday mornings?  To worship God.  That is our purpose, the very reason for which we are created.  Love Him first.  Love others second.  How do we love others?  We become like them.  We change ourselves to meet them where they are in hopes of saving even a few.

I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some.  1 Corinthians 9:22

I can say from experience that this is much easier to do with an unsaved friend than an unsaved enemy.  Comparatively, it's easy - though at times painfully sacrificial - to become all things for a loved one if the end result might be their salvation.  But how do I become all things to a person who hates and rejects my very presence?  How do I find the desire to even attempt such a thing?  It's much more comfortable to simply pray for that soul and let God do all the work than it is to buck up and take responsibility for that which He's handed me.  Don't hear me wrong - prayer is still vital and only the Spirit can change a heart.  But I am not exempt from the process.  God has given me...no, commanded me a task, and it is imperative I follow through. 

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Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care...  1 Peter 5:2

We have different gifts, according to the grace given us.  Romans 12:6

The Spirit enables gifts in each believer, and with each gift comes the responsibility to nurture and use it for the glory of God.  Each believer also gains a responsibility of leadership in his or her respective area of gifting.  No gift is unimportant, and when all are functioning to their fullest capacity - from the pastor's sermon to the Sunday school teacher's lesson to the women washing dishes and men setting up tables - the body of Christ moves and lives and breathes in a beautiful and effective manner.  It brings glory to God and draws the lost and broken in to safety and protection.

Love God, love people.

Leaders are not silent.  They are strong and present and vocal when necessary...and always in a positive direction.  For so long I have believed my voice is not important.  And so many times I use my voice to complain or gossip or tear down.  Misuse and defeated silence bring destruction.  I am gifted, therefore I am a leader, therefore my voice is vital to the glory of God and the growth of the Body.

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Change is hard, but inevitable and necessary.  These thoughts are from this morning's sermon, given by a guest pastor.  Our pastor of fourteen years has been called to shepherd another flock, and our flock here is facing a great deal of uncertainty and emotion.  It would be easy to sit back and wait to see what changes occur, and then make my decisions accordingly.  But that is not the way of Christ nor His desire for the Body.  Instead, we stay active in using our gifts and encouraging others to do the same.  We do the jobs He has called us to do, and allow the Spirit to do His work in and through us.  So often we try to force the Spirit's work for Him, and in doing so we quench His holy fire.  And while we often elevate the pastor's gift of shepherding, and though some gifts are deemed "greater," the truth is that no gift is less important than another.  Each gift is divinely issued and equally necessary to bring glory to God, both individually and corporately.

Love God, love people.

Meet Me In Heaven

Her Christmas letter arrived this week, filled with news I'd already heard, but with a few more details not included in the prayer chain emails.  Since the first email came out I've thought of her often, usually whenever I hear someone say the word "cancer."  And I desire to touch base again...just one more time.

She and her husband opened their home to me almost ten years ago.  I learned to play guitar in their basement (for which they each deserve extra saint points), and watched her play dolls with the older granddaughter while I held the baby.  She let me use her kitchen to cook and bake, and would set a third place at the table so I could be a part of their meals.  I spent many evenings in their living room, simply enjoying their company.

We sat together on a sofa in the church foyer during an evening meeting, each soul present for the other as our beloved church body crumbled to the ground and nearly died.  Years later, when I returned for a visit at a church bonfire, she looked at me and said, "Do you even recognize this church anymore?  We are so much healthier now!"

Only a couple of years ago I sat behind her toward the front of the sanctuary as her church family prayed over her for healing from a cancerous spot on her lung.  After surgery, she received a clean bill of health and made an excellent recovery.

Now she faces Stage 4 colon cancer that has spread everywhere.  Chemo made her too sick, so she has chosen to forego the treatments in order to enjoy the life she has left.  My friend, with her sweet smile and gentle touch, beautiful on the inside and out, bravely staring death in the face.  Such a precious and valuable asset to the body of Christ.

Dying is a part of this life.  Sometimes death is easy to push aside, to not think about.  But when death hovers nearby, it has a way of bringing new perspective to life.  When it becomes personal, something happens inside.  The important things in life suddenly shine a little brighter.

I am sad to know my friend is dying.  But she loves Jesus and awaits the moment He takes her home.  There is a beautiful mystery in the death of a believer.  Where there is sorrow, joy abounds all the more.  Where there are tears, there is also gladness.  Where there is sadness, rejoicing pours forth.  Where there is an end, hope begins.  When death becomes personal and takes the dear saints from my life, my heart hurts and I cheer them on as though cheering runners crossing the finish line.  My soul cries out with all its might as they take their last steps in this world and burst forth into eternity.  And I feel longing in the depths of my own being to be in their shoes, to burst forth into beauty seen by no eye and conceived by no mind.

Praise Jesus for making the way!  In the words of my friend, "Please make sure you will meet me in Heaven."

See you soon, Marcene.  Whether here or there, I will see you soon.

Letter to Me

Writing this post was easy.  Making it public has been hard.  I've been sitting on it for a few weeks now, not quite able to hit "publish" because I know who will read this, and leaving myself this exposed feels too risky.  But stronger than that is my belief that this piece of my story will resound with many people.  I have seen first-hand how many others have been in or are in a place similar to mine; to share my heart gives them a voice they may have not yet found and makes their places feel not quite as lonely.

The idea of writing a letter to my younger self came after a dear friend had the privilege of contributing to a new book called Letters to Me.  I have not yet read the book or any excerpts (if I did, I think I would be intimidated enough by "real" writers to never ever publish this post), so I don't know exactly how those letters will flow.  I do know that my own letter is written to myself at the point in time I may have benefited most from reading it.
_________________________

To my 17-year old self,

You are about to make a decision that will set the course of your heart and affect you for many years.  I wonder, if you could know the things at 17 that you will know at almost 30, if you would still make that decision.  And I wonder how different my heart and life would look now were it not for this journey you are about to begin.

If I could tell you all the lessons I've learned over the past twelve years, this is what I would want you to know:  dieting is about control, and you like control.  Losing weight feels good, and nothing feels better than jeans that have become too big.  When people compliment you on your weight loss it will boost your confidence, but those compliments also raise the bar of your expectations.  No matter how much weight you lose it will never be enough.  A shrinking waistline is not perceivable by your eyes.  The mirror you look into will always reflect curves too wide, features too ugly, a body too imperfect.  All your diets will eventually come to an end, and none of the results you worked so hard for will stay.  In fact, each time you diet you will gain back more weight than you lost.

A few years from now you will consciously walk into the biggest battle of your life.  You will take on the ultimate diet, and for a time you will succeed.  But you will measure success by the size of your jeans rather than victories won in the spiritual battle for your heart.  It will be a long battle, one that rages on even after you start eating again.  Because really, the issue isn't about food or weight loss or physical beauty. Your perception of those things is so very skewed, and they manifest because they reflect the deeper wounds that have sliced into the innermost places that are known not even by you.

What you seek is acceptance and unfailing love, and you look to the approval of others to make you complete. But even the best of what others can offer is tainted and limited by the flesh. Only One is able to fill you to overflowing, and oh how He loves you!  If only you could know how deeply this love satisfies, that all else pales in comparison...but I don't know how to tell you that to its fullest, because even now I haven't learned how to let Him be all.

I don't know how to tell you to learn the lessons without first experiencing the consequences.  I think maybe it's a road you will have to stumble down, because you can't get the to the end result without making the journey that leads you there.  There are things now that I wish you would have done differently then.  But it's those things you've done that are the building blocks of who you've become.  Right now you wish you could be anyone else.  But that will change.  One day you will be glad to be you.

So, young one, search for God's love and approval above all else.  If you lose sight of that, you will lose who you are.  You will find the friendships you've always longed for, and soon.  There are many friends you will make along each segment of your journey, and they will become very dear to you.  In fact, one day you will realize how many of these special people are in your life and wonder how God ever saw fit to bless you so richly.

Always always ALWAYS pray.  Never stop, even when you reach those months and years that become the darkest and most difficult.  You will make it through, and He will restore and redeem your broken places.  You are valued, loved, and beautiful.  Hold tight, child.  Hold tight to Him.

Case Study: The Long-Term Effects of Kinesio Tape on Hallux Valgus - Week...I Don't Know Anymore

There is a reason I have not pursued a career in research, and I think this post is a clear demonstration as to why.  I started conducting my own little research project somewhere around a year ago, ended it in January, and am just now getting around to writing the follow-up.  If you were reading along before and need a refresher course, you can read the first post here, the second post here, and the third post here.

Let's see...so as of the last post I had been taping my toes for 7 wks.  I believe I continued taping for only another one or two weeks, because it was about that time I noticed my big toes feeling sore, especially on the right.  That toe started to look swollen and slightly red, so I decided to stop taping altogether.  I also realized that my big toenails were no longer growing; in fact, the last time I'd trimmed them was three months prior, but all the other toenails were growing on schedule.  

My toe pain finally simmered down, but then in April the right one flared up again.  It got super red and puffy and had every sign of infection.  So I ignored it.  It was originating from the nail bed, which was odd since I had no skin breakdown or lacerations to the area.  After about two weeks of that, the infection finally cleared up, and I started to lose my toenail.  I've never lost a nail before, and my toe had suffered no trauma or ingrown anything.  The nail just simply died and started to grow out.  There was some new nail trying to grow, but it wasn't moving very quickly.  By probably July-ish the dead nail was halfway grown out, and I accidentally snagged it on something and ripped off what was left.  Ouchie.  But that healed up and now - nearly November - I have about 3/4 of a toenail and it seems to still be filling in.  I'm relieved for that, because I thought I'd  never have a normal looking nail again.  Not that I'm vain about the appearance of my feet, but the once a year (or two) I decide to French tip my toenails, it's kind of nice to have something to tip.

My theory on the toenail weirdness is that the pull of the tape over the top of the nail affected its ability to grow out normally, which somehow messed with the nail bed and caused it to stop growing altogether.

As far as the measurements go, I re-measured again this summer, and my valgus angles were back to where they were before I started taping.  Therefore, my conclusion is this:  Kinesio tape will help improve the angle of hallux valgus, but not as a long-term solution.  I have heard from two people that the tape offered relief from pain they were having from hallux valgus, so I believe it is also an appropriate method for managing symptoms and pain related to this condition.  But I would advise caution with constant and repetitive taping over time based on what happened to my toenail.

This brings me to the official end of my case study.  (Whew.  That's a relief!)