I'm in a season of learning, a gentle guiding of the Spirit that feels much like a close friend making me aware of important moments as we walk side by side. Most recently my lessons have come in the form of grace. I have prayed to understand grace, for God to break me open to know and grasp and feel the depth of His grace to the point it knocks me on my knees. It's like a wildflower that has lined the path of this journey of life, always having been there, sometimes talked about, but always so present that I have become immune to it. Now my Guide has paused me for a moment just long enough to point out this flower, to encourage me to examine it more closely, and as I begin to pay attention I notice the captivating beauty and intricacy that has been there all along.
I have prayed to understand, and I had hoped to be suddenly bathed in understanding. But God doesn't always answer prayer in a way that matches my immediate-gratification lifestyle. These lessons of growth, they take time. Years. A lifetime. Bit by bit He pulls back the curtain, showing me only a glimpse at a time until the day comes when He will remove the veil completely.
With this glimpse, He puts me to work. I want to grasp in the deepest places of my heart what the life and death and resurrection of Christ means to me and for me. In order for me to understand what He has given to me, I must first give it to others. And how much richer and sweeter it is to do the work and take ownership in the process.
This I have learned: Grace is hard. When I am wronged or inconvenienced, affected by the actions of someone else, lose or miss out from the decision of another, that is when grace isn't so beautiful and flowing. Rather, that is when grace rolls up her sleeves, takes a deep breath, and plunges straight into the muck that is sin. She loves when love is not received. She gives when all is taken, and then gives some more. She is patient when the same mistake is made yet again. She expects imperfection and embraces in spite of it. She sacrifices self for the hope that one more will enter the Kingdom.
This also I have learned: I expect to receive grace always, but do not readily offer it unconditionally. I hold my interests close, finding it convenient to give grace only when I have a place in which she fits. But that is not the way of grace, because that is not the way of Jesus. The way of Jesus is to give, and to love to the point of death.
I want my life to revolve around grace. It is hard and it is exhausting. It means my schedule and plans will fall apart, because grace has her own agenda, and it has nothing to do with how I desire to spend my time. At times it hurts, and other times it fills me with unspeakable joy. It is a journey, one faltering grace-step at a time.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
When Good Intentions Meet Grace
If good intentions counted for anything, right now my lawn would be mowed and trimmed, my checkbook balanced, my checklist completed, and I would be in the middle of doing my Bible study. As it is, I just failed the first installment of the answer to last night's prayer for God to change my heart.
Failed rather miserably, I might add.
My new puppy (yes, my prayer for a changed heart involved my puppy) has been having some digestive problems, resulting in unpredictable middle-of-the-night cleanups. Yesterday I started switching her over to a new food to see if that will help things. She seems to really like the new stuff and has eaten a TON of it. No messes last night. No messes today at noon when I came home to let her out. I was feeling pretty good about things. Finally a possible solution to keep me hopeful.
Then I came home from work tonight and found she had pooped in her kennel. Not once. Not twice. THREE times. Three piles of smelly slop, stepped in, flattened under blankets, and squished out the sides onto the carpet. She's a 52-pound Mastiff puppy; these are not small piles.
I know she couldn't help it. She really is crate trained. She knew she shouldn't have done it, but with a weak tummy, there probably wasn't much she could do to stop it.
I got mad. Frustrated. I had plans for my free evening. I needed to mow, especially since I currently own the record for tallest grass in my neighborhood. I had a whole list of other things I hoped to get through. I wanted to work on some training things with the dog. I wanted to relax. I wanted to work on my Bible study and catch up on my week-behind homework.
I did not want to maneuver and carry a poop-covered giant heavy puppy from her kennel to the yard. I did not want to wash another load of puppy laundry that was just washed two days ago. I did not want to wipe smelly poop from the cracks and crevices of the wire kennel and carpet. I did not want to flavor my thoughts with four-letter naughty words. I did not want to hose down the kennel tray and the puppy. I did not want to make a scene for my neighbors to watch. I did not want to leave my puppy chained outside for the entire evening.
But I did all of that. And yes, my puppy is still chained outside because I can't quite handle dealing with her inside yet. I still need to put her kennel back together. And then...it's bedtime.
An evening lost. A lesson failed. A God who offers me grace and wants to forgive my anger-sins as soon as I will ask...but I haven't been able to ask. I don't deserve it. I want to turn to my Bible study or play a few worship songs on the piano, but I can't bring myself to come before Him, especially if He is going to forgive me so easily. If He isn't going to tell me how naughty I was and chastise me for it, then I'd better sit in it for a while until I'm ready to move forward.
This is how I approach His grace sometimes. I know it's wrong and that's not how He wants it to be. To say it shows my faults and failures. But sometimes I need to say it so I can work through it. And really, exposing our hearts to one another, no matter how ugly or petty or painful the truths, is a huge key to true deep fellowship with one another.
Anyway, my mind is starting to settle after getting all this out of the way. I have a kennel to reconstruct and a puppy to bring inside. Then maybe I'll still have some time for my Bible study.
Maybe I can still redeem part of this lesson.
Failed rather miserably, I might add.
My new puppy (yes, my prayer for a changed heart involved my puppy) has been having some digestive problems, resulting in unpredictable middle-of-the-night cleanups. Yesterday I started switching her over to a new food to see if that will help things. She seems to really like the new stuff and has eaten a TON of it. No messes last night. No messes today at noon when I came home to let her out. I was feeling pretty good about things. Finally a possible solution to keep me hopeful.
Then I came home from work tonight and found she had pooped in her kennel. Not once. Not twice. THREE times. Three piles of smelly slop, stepped in, flattened under blankets, and squished out the sides onto the carpet. She's a 52-pound Mastiff puppy; these are not small piles.
I know she couldn't help it. She really is crate trained. She knew she shouldn't have done it, but with a weak tummy, there probably wasn't much she could do to stop it.
I got mad. Frustrated. I had plans for my free evening. I needed to mow, especially since I currently own the record for tallest grass in my neighborhood. I had a whole list of other things I hoped to get through. I wanted to work on some training things with the dog. I wanted to relax. I wanted to work on my Bible study and catch up on my week-behind homework.
I did not want to maneuver and carry a poop-covered giant heavy puppy from her kennel to the yard. I did not want to wash another load of puppy laundry that was just washed two days ago. I did not want to wipe smelly poop from the cracks and crevices of the wire kennel and carpet. I did not want to flavor my thoughts with four-letter naughty words. I did not want to hose down the kennel tray and the puppy. I did not want to make a scene for my neighbors to watch. I did not want to leave my puppy chained outside for the entire evening.
But I did all of that. And yes, my puppy is still chained outside because I can't quite handle dealing with her inside yet. I still need to put her kennel back together. And then...it's bedtime.
An evening lost. A lesson failed. A God who offers me grace and wants to forgive my anger-sins as soon as I will ask...but I haven't been able to ask. I don't deserve it. I want to turn to my Bible study or play a few worship songs on the piano, but I can't bring myself to come before Him, especially if He is going to forgive me so easily. If He isn't going to tell me how naughty I was and chastise me for it, then I'd better sit in it for a while until I'm ready to move forward.
This is how I approach His grace sometimes. I know it's wrong and that's not how He wants it to be. To say it shows my faults and failures. But sometimes I need to say it so I can work through it. And really, exposing our hearts to one another, no matter how ugly or petty or painful the truths, is a huge key to true deep fellowship with one another.
Anyway, my mind is starting to settle after getting all this out of the way. I have a kennel to reconstruct and a puppy to bring inside. Then maybe I'll still have some time for my Bible study.
Maybe I can still redeem part of this lesson.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
The Greatest of These is Love
I finished reading a book tonight. I haven't done that in a long while. Usually when I read, I pick out the Christian make-yourself-a-better-person-and-grow-in-God type books. Or Ted Dekker. And when I finish those books, I always find myself just a little bit changed. Only a little bit, but I've observed that it's those little bits that add up to a changed heart and a new person.
This time I read a different book, a learn-by-example autobiography. It's called Kisses from Katie, and it stirred my heart and challenged me in an encouraging way. Actually, here. Watch about it for yourself:
This time I read a different book, a learn-by-example autobiography. It's called Kisses from Katie, and it stirred my heart and challenged me in an encouraging way. Actually, here. Watch about it for yourself:
Amazing, right? She's like a modern-day Mother Theresa. As I read her book, I almost felt like I was looking inside the window to her house and watching her live her daily life. Her heart is bigger and wiser beyond her years, doing and learning and growing in ways most of us will never know.
I've been so very inspired by her story. I read about what she's done, all for the Name of Christ, and I want to be like her. I want to live every moment of my day in ways that exude Jesus and fulfill my purpose on this earth.
I have no plans to move to Uganda and pursue the same life she is living (though I suspect my 15 year old sponsored Ugandan child would absolutely love it if I did). We admire and praise those who give their lives to spreading the news of Jesus in third-world countries, but only some are called to such a life.
The rest of us...we are called to spread the news of Jesus in our country. The poverty-stricken people of Uganda are no less saved and broken than the wealth-stricken people of America. At the end of life, we all die, whether rich or poor or educated or not. And we all go to one of two place: heaven or hell. God loves and grieves for the lost down my comfortable street just as much as He does the disease-ridden malnourished lost souls in Africa.
All that to say that for now I plan to continue in the work He has set before me right now. The little bit of change Katie's book has left me with is this: I must love. That is my true calling in life, no matter where I am or what I do. I must love harder and deeper and longer and with every fiber of my heart and soul. I must sacrifice because I love. I must give and hug and laugh with and cry with until every ounce of me is exhausted and can go on no longer...and then I must love some more. I must do this, because this is what Christ has done for me. It is what He asks - commands - me to do. Love isn't a feeling or an emotion. Love is an action. It's a response to God's love for me. I am to love others, even to the point of death, because that is how Christ loved.
I am still trying to figure out what this looks like in my Midwestern comfort. But then I try to figure less and do more, because the more I stop to think about it, the more I use my thinking as an excuse to not do what I was called to do because I then start to believe that I need to have it all figured out before I can be successful. That is a lie. Thinking gets in the way of my purpose. My purpose is to love. Because I am loved.
Love is hard. It's risky. It hurts. It's messy and exhausting. It demands time and energy and effort and relentless pursuit. It means less of me and more of someone who may never even notice. It draws me nearer to the heart of my Creator. It bridges gaps and binds together. It inspires and moves and gives hope. It changes lives for eternity. I want to be a part of that.
. . . . . . . . . .
Follow Katie's daily adventures at her blog: kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Case Study: The Long-Term Effects of Kinesio Tape on Hallux Valgus - Week 7
My apologies for slacking on my foot updates. I've been keeping to my taping schedule, but haven't managed to remember to take regular measurements. Christmas happened, and then I had Holiday Brain and didn't get my act together until this past week. (I am still suffering from Holiday Hips and Holiday Thighs and Holiday Butt.)
I also have no new pictures. (If you'd like to see pictures, feel free to read the first two posts. Click here and here.)
Anyway, here's a review followed by the most recent measurements.
Starting Measurements (11/21/11)
L MTP: 35 degrees valgus
R MTP: 30 degrees valgus
Measurements after Taping
L MTP: 15 degrees valgus
R MTP: 20 degrees valgus
WEEK 2
Measurements with tape on (12/7/11)
L MTP 21 degrees
R MTP 18 degrees
Measurements with tape off
L MTP 25 degrees
R MTP 22 degrees
After I'd had the tape off for a full 24 hours, I re-measured. Then I measured one more time with new tape on.
Measurements after 24 hours
L MTP 28 degrees
R MTP 28 degrees
Measurements with new tape applied
L MTP 24 degrees valgus
R MTP 20 degrees valgus
WEEK 7
Measurements with tape on (1/12/12)
L MTP 28 degrees valgus
R MTP 27 degrees valgus
Measurements with tape off
L MTP 29 degrees valgus
R MTP 25 degrees valgus (???)
Measurements after 24 hours
L MTP 28 degrees valgus
R MTP 23 degrees valgus (!!!)
Measurements with new tape applied
L MTP 26 degrees valgus
R MTP 22 degrees valgus
A few observations regarding these most recent measurements:
*The numbers aren't continuing in a steady and consistent decline.
*My left toe isn't changing at all, and in fact, seems to be getting a little worse.
*My right toe...I don't know what it's doing. Those are some weird numbers. It showed less valgus after the tape was removed.
My left toe seems to be plateauing. It had the greatest changes right off the bat, whereas my right toe didn't do much. Now the right one is suddenly showing all kinds of improvements. I'm measuring the same way each time to be consistent, but I will admit that I have a hard time palpating my metatarsals and lining up the goni accordingly.
Still, there have been changes. My left toe continues to show a 7 degree decrease (with the tape off), which was the same as five weeks ago. My right toe is now also showing a 7 degree decrease, but five weeks ago showed only a 2 degree decrease, so it continues to change.
I'm not sure how long I will continue taping my feet. Next week will mark two months, but I haven't started any running yet and I want to see how the tape and running together affect my feet. So I'll keep going for at least a few more weeks. Maybe I'll shoot for the three or four month mark. We'll see how I'm feeling when I get to the end of three months. :)
In other news, I'm now officially a Certified Kinesio Taping Practitioner (CKTP)! I've taken and passed the test and have everything but the official certificate in hand. Hoping that will come soon. In the meantime, I continue to tape my patients on a daily basis, probably at least half of them. We have a few regulars that ask for the tape at each treatment. If I had to guess, I'd say 8 out of 10 patients feel immediate relief after being taped. Some of those who don't have had trouble keeping it on, either because their clothes rub it off or they just take it off after they leave the clinic. And a scant few keep it on but don't notice any difference.
I know I have a few PT classmates following these updates. Here are some of the diagnoses I've taped: LBP, DeQuervain's, lateral epidonylitis, shoulder instability, HAs, upper trap tightness, scoliosis, PFP, MCL strain, peroneal tendinitis, arthritis, muscle strain/pain, bruising, and swelling/edema (to name a few). I recruited a friend at church this morning to be a guinea pig for me, and I'm super excited because I'm going to try taping her for her breathing and pregnancy. Love trying new stuff!
I also have no new pictures. (If you'd like to see pictures, feel free to read the first two posts. Click here and here.)
Anyway, here's a review followed by the most recent measurements.
WEEK 0
Starting Measurements (11/21/11)
L MTP: 35 degrees valgus
R MTP: 30 degrees valgus
Measurements after Taping
L MTP: 15 degrees valgus
R MTP: 20 degrees valgus
WEEK 2
Measurements with tape on (12/7/11)
L MTP 21 degrees
R MTP 18 degrees
Measurements with tape off
L MTP 25 degrees
R MTP 22 degrees
After I'd had the tape off for a full 24 hours, I re-measured. Then I measured one more time with new tape on.
Measurements after 24 hours
L MTP 28 degrees
R MTP 28 degrees
Measurements with new tape applied
L MTP 24 degrees valgus
R MTP 20 degrees valgus
WEEK 7
Measurements with tape on (1/12/12)
L MTP 28 degrees valgus
R MTP 27 degrees valgus
Measurements with tape off
L MTP 29 degrees valgus
R MTP 25 degrees valgus (???)
Measurements after 24 hours
L MTP 28 degrees valgus
R MTP 23 degrees valgus (!!!)
Measurements with new tape applied
L MTP 26 degrees valgus
R MTP 22 degrees valgus
A few observations regarding these most recent measurements:
*The numbers aren't continuing in a steady and consistent decline.
*My left toe isn't changing at all, and in fact, seems to be getting a little worse.
*My right toe...I don't know what it's doing. Those are some weird numbers. It showed less valgus after the tape was removed.
My left toe seems to be plateauing. It had the greatest changes right off the bat, whereas my right toe didn't do much. Now the right one is suddenly showing all kinds of improvements. I'm measuring the same way each time to be consistent, but I will admit that I have a hard time palpating my metatarsals and lining up the goni accordingly.
Still, there have been changes. My left toe continues to show a 7 degree decrease (with the tape off), which was the same as five weeks ago. My right toe is now also showing a 7 degree decrease, but five weeks ago showed only a 2 degree decrease, so it continues to change.
I'm not sure how long I will continue taping my feet. Next week will mark two months, but I haven't started any running yet and I want to see how the tape and running together affect my feet. So I'll keep going for at least a few more weeks. Maybe I'll shoot for the three or four month mark. We'll see how I'm feeling when I get to the end of three months. :)
In other news, I'm now officially a Certified Kinesio Taping Practitioner (CKTP)! I've taken and passed the test and have everything but the official certificate in hand. Hoping that will come soon. In the meantime, I continue to tape my patients on a daily basis, probably at least half of them. We have a few regulars that ask for the tape at each treatment. If I had to guess, I'd say 8 out of 10 patients feel immediate relief after being taped. Some of those who don't have had trouble keeping it on, either because their clothes rub it off or they just take it off after they leave the clinic. And a scant few keep it on but don't notice any difference.
I know I have a few PT classmates following these updates. Here are some of the diagnoses I've taped: LBP, DeQuervain's, lateral epidonylitis, shoulder instability, HAs, upper trap tightness, scoliosis, PFP, MCL strain, peroneal tendinitis, arthritis, muscle strain/pain, bruising, and swelling/edema (to name a few). I recruited a friend at church this morning to be a guinea pig for me, and I'm super excited because I'm going to try taping her for her breathing and pregnancy. Love trying new stuff!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
God, please help me make good decisions today.
It's been a frequent prayer this week, because I'm back on the path to seeking weight loss and exercise. A year ago, this path seemed easy to walk. Now I'm returning and finding it broken and overgrown (words that also seem to describe me lately). I don't understand why it's so much harder to make good choices now. All I know is, despite my prayers, I can't seem to succeed.
This frustrates me greatly. And as I look at it, I can see that this path shares ground with other journeys. My quest to make new friends in a new place feels to be repeatedly failing. My list of projects overwhelms me at times, so I cope by doing nothing. My attempts at growing my faith are feeble at best and take me nowhere. Spiritual disciplines I desire remain nothing more than desires for my lack of action.
Each of these "failures" weighs me down, and the lies creep in and take root. (Maybe this is the source of the overgrown weeds that blocks my path.) Each of these seem so very different from one another, yet it is the root of my sense of failure that ties them all together. I can't help but think maybe if I could figure out the root, I could get all of the areas licked.
I think the root is my source of identity. I desire value from appearance, size, friends, accomplishments, even my spirituality. My sense of value isn't coming from the true Source.
But I hate that because it's cliche. Every problem can be spiritualized and thus solved with a simple spiritual answer. Take care of it. Move on.
So why isn't it that easy? When I say to God, I need you to be my Source and Sustainer, why doesn't that solve all my problems? When I ask for strength to make good choices for today, why do I continue to lose ground on my diet? What is wrong with me that I can't get it figured out?
It's a daily battle. I'm supposed to fail when I do it on my own. My failures drive me to God.
Yes, but again, cliche. I want something that works, something solid and tangible. No more of this vapory-mist of ideas and concepts that slip through my fingers.
I know what the right answers are supposed to be. I know what moving forward is supposed to look like. Yet somehow, I remain stuck, watching the solutions swirl about me in a hazy dance. And I can't help but return to wondering what is wrong with me.
It's been a frequent prayer this week, because I'm back on the path to seeking weight loss and exercise. A year ago, this path seemed easy to walk. Now I'm returning and finding it broken and overgrown (words that also seem to describe me lately). I don't understand why it's so much harder to make good choices now. All I know is, despite my prayers, I can't seem to succeed.
This frustrates me greatly. And as I look at it, I can see that this path shares ground with other journeys. My quest to make new friends in a new place feels to be repeatedly failing. My list of projects overwhelms me at times, so I cope by doing nothing. My attempts at growing my faith are feeble at best and take me nowhere. Spiritual disciplines I desire remain nothing more than desires for my lack of action.
Each of these "failures" weighs me down, and the lies creep in and take root. (Maybe this is the source of the overgrown weeds that blocks my path.) Each of these seem so very different from one another, yet it is the root of my sense of failure that ties them all together. I can't help but think maybe if I could figure out the root, I could get all of the areas licked.
I think the root is my source of identity. I desire value from appearance, size, friends, accomplishments, even my spirituality. My sense of value isn't coming from the true Source.
But I hate that because it's cliche. Every problem can be spiritualized and thus solved with a simple spiritual answer. Take care of it. Move on.
So why isn't it that easy? When I say to God, I need you to be my Source and Sustainer, why doesn't that solve all my problems? When I ask for strength to make good choices for today, why do I continue to lose ground on my diet? What is wrong with me that I can't get it figured out?
It's a daily battle. I'm supposed to fail when I do it on my own. My failures drive me to God.
Yes, but again, cliche. I want something that works, something solid and tangible. No more of this vapory-mist of ideas and concepts that slip through my fingers.
I know what the right answers are supposed to be. I know what moving forward is supposed to look like. Yet somehow, I remain stuck, watching the solutions swirl about me in a hazy dance. And I can't help but return to wondering what is wrong with me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
LinkWithin
