Surrender

Tuesday's sermon asked me if I was willing to surrender. 

Everything. 

I realized I was not.

I was driving home from work, listening to these questions as the day's last light gave way to the night sky.  In just over an hour I would be strumming my guitar and singing songs of worship alongside a small handful of other offering their voices to their Maker.

Are you willing to surrender it all?

Are you willing to do whatever He says?

If He asks you to move to a different country tomorrow, are you willing to go?

My own list continued.

Am I willing to relocate and start over in a new place if He asks me to?

Am I willing to walk next door and tell my neighbors about Jesus tonight if He asks me to?

Am I willing to send an email to make amends with an old friend who may not even know how hurt I was, if He asks me to?

Am I willing to spend all night on my knees praying if He asks me to?

As I was thinking through these questions, I decided that I wanted to choose songs to sing Sunday morning that asked us these same things.

All to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give...

Lord, I give You my heart, I give You my soul, I live for You alone...

Take my heart...mind...will, conform it to Yours...

I rehearsed in my mind words that I would speak to the congregation.  Words that would challenge them, cause them to truly question and determine their desire to surrender to Him.  I didn't want us to simply sing empty words for the sake of making noise.  I wanted us to corporately give our all to Him.

But I quickly realized that if I were to issue such a challenge, then I needed to make sure my own heart was right.  To merely lead these songs and sing these words without having examined myself would be hypocritical.

I don't know what happened after that night.  Maybe it was because I was catching a bug and not feeling well.  Or maybe the enemy knew my intentions and distracted my thoughts.  Maybe I should have given the questions more attention when they were fresh in my mind rather than waiting for a more convenient time in my schedule.

Whatever the reason, after that car ride, I was never able to come to that same place again.  I don't know if I felt ok with God's desires for me...or if I simply had become calloused to the idea.  I do know that my time before Him continues to feel distracted and distant.

I didn't offer any words from the stage this Sunday morning.  I simply invited the people to join our small team in singing songs to our Maker.

I can feel the difference in my music when I am playing to the Lord and when I am simply playing.  This morning I was simply playing.  I didn't want it to be that way, but each strum of the guitar felt empty and hollow.  I was still fighting sickness this morning, and singing was a struggle for my weak voice.  Maybe that accounts for the disconnect between my heart and my hands.

Maybe it doesn't.

I know and I've seen the Spirit do His work despite me, despite the actions that I simply go through.  I'm glad for that.  It's comforting to know that He's not limited to my performances.

In the meantime, my own heart needs to find its way home.  Back to the place of humble kneeling before the throne of Him who asks for my all.