Desire

The things I want right now cannot coexist. To follow one desire means putting to death another. I can't bear to let go of any of them. Maybe I fear that if I let go of these dreams (if I can go so far as to call them that), then I lose everything tangible and meaningful. 


To sacrifice my desires without having another vision to replace them is emotional and mental death. It feels as though I would be confined to an existence of colorless and monotonous gray. 


Dead. 


Even if I never get to live out my dreams, at least holding onto them offers a tiny glimmer of color on the horizon. I may never reach that glimmer, but it represents and provides the tiniest sliver of hope, and that is what keeps pushing me forward in a grayscale existence. 


. . . 


We look at life and its unfairness. We hear how Jesus is acquainted with our pain and sufferings. After all, He suffered the greatest unfairness of all. But I am quick to think "that's how it was supposed to be, that was the plan from the beginning, and it benefited many" and so detach the reality and humanness of Jesus in those events. 


While I am by no means God, don't the trials and sacrifices of my little life carry similar implications? The course and purpose of my life was mapped out from the beginning of time, with a definite beginning and purposeful destination. The trials and joys along the way will benefit many, and more importantly, glorify God. 


The difference is that as I go about this journey, I can't see the end result. I don't know ahead of time how this fits into God's grand scheme of things. But knowing these truths...does that knowledge make my life and situations feel more ok? 


I think so. Maybe not always. But for now, it is enough.