Musings

I like to think that I'm going to do something big with my life. Huge actually, with far-reaching and life-changing impacts. But I get so caught up in the grander, overall picture that I forget to live in the present. I'm trying so hard to see where the ripples of my life-not-yet-lived are going to reach that I can't see what's around me right now. I forget that those big, wide ripples start small.

There's a desire in me to do something meaningful, something important,to make a difference. I want my time here to matter, for God to be impressed with what I did for Him. And pleased. I want Him to be pleased. 

I like to think that I could easily tackle that "big" calling, the one where He asks me to live out my days in a 3rd world country or on a hospital bed stricken with illness. But the truth is I can't even handle my day to day life. I continually fail to be joyful and willing to carry out the mundane tasks, despite being given a fresh start each day. I live for me, I seek my own comfort. I can't handle the little; what makes me think He will entrust me with the big?

What if God isn't calling me to do something big and impressive for Him?  What if He's asking me to let go of these elusive glimmers of hope and plunge face-first into what my finite eyes process only as monochromatic?  I know in my head that true discipleship and reckless abandon produce a full and vibrant life byond what I can imagine.  But I also know that the fullest lives demand the most brutal sacrifices.  I fear the pain of giving up these things, things that I cannot keep anyway.

I fear these things, despite knowing that this life only brushes the surface of my existence, that these brief years I spend here are less than a blink in the eyes of eternity.