When Stillness is the Answer

I spent the better part of this weekend at a resort on one of the many Minnesota lakes, thanks to the generosity of my bosses and the company's celebration of 20 years of existance.

More than anything, I looked forward to having a personal retreat with God so I could hash some things out with Him.  My times with Him as of late have been suffering for various reasons, and it's felt impossible to have any form of quality prayer.  Plus, I've had questions; He has answers.

I found my spot along the lake's shore, seated on a plastic lounge chair and tucked safely away behind trees and bushes.  Rain was threatening to break loose at any moment, teasing with a steady sprinkle, but I didn't mind so much.

I settled in on the cold and wet plastic chair.  And sat.

And sat.

And sat.

I waited for words to come, for questions to come pouring out of my mind and for lively conversation to spring forth.  I came expecting answers.

But all I did was sit.  My mind was blank, simply existing in the midst of God's rainy creation.

And I was ok with that.  Because sometimes He says, "Be still, and know that I am God."

Then the weekend was over and it was time to go home, and I had no more answers than when I arrived.  This bothered me.  You see, right now I want so badly to receive a strong word from Him, to have my own burning bush that speaks to me and tells me things are going to be different.

But now my questions are these:  What if things won't change?  What if this is how my life is going to look for a while yet?  Can I be ok with that?

I've even dared to ask myself if the reason I don't like where I'm at is because I refuse to allow myself to like it.

I'm afraid of settling.  There are things I have tried to avoid at all cost, yet those are the things I have now.  Is it possible that maybe I could actually enjoy them?  I'm afraid to go there, because in my mind, to embrace that is to settle, is to let go of what I think I want instead.  In my mind, it's giving up more for less.

But in the grand scheme of things, that doesn't matter.  What matters is that I love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.  To do that means to relinquish all control of my life and seek Him constantly. 

I want to trust Him like that.  I want to let go of these things that weigh me down.  Because He knows what's better.

But I don't trust Him to give me what's better.  I'm afraid He's going to take away my hopes and leave me in this place I don't want to be.

He's not cruel like that, but He will leave me in this place for as long as I need until I finally get it.  And I don't seem to get it very well.

Can I get past my wants and desires enough to let Him do His work in me right here?  Can I trust Him to take care of me?  I know what the answers are supposed to be.  I can only hope and pray that He will give me the strength to make them my own.