Where I Am Is Not Where I Want To Be

I had my second annual review this morning at work.  It went well.

This tells me at least a couple of things:
1.  I have officially survived two years of this job.
2.  I am competent enough to not get fired.

So now what?

I don't know.  I feel stuck.  And I don't have the energy to fight it anymore.

I need to be ironing right now so I have clothes to wear to work tomorrow.  Because in twenty minutes I need to head to church to lead worship, for which I have absolutely nothing planned, after which I will promptly come home and go to bed.

I'm so tired right now.  I know I'm complaining to a world where everyone has it rougher than me, where I'm not grateful enough for what I have, where I feel guilty for wasting people's time by whining about things that should be "easy."  I don't feel justified in verbalizing these thoughts.  But I do so because this is what's there right now.  And maybe, just maybe, someone else out there knows these things like I do.

I've tried so hard to keep my eyes on Him, to focus on working for Him and remaining content.  But somehow, ever so gradually, I've strayed.  And here I am, yet again, wishing for something better, something easier and more pleasant.

I have so many things I want to be doing.  Good things.  Worthwhile things.  So many projects I want to start and be a part of, and relationships I want to build for the Kingdom.  I have hobbies I'd like to spend even a few minutes doing.  I want to cook real meals for myself again instead of eating Doritos for supper.  I want to have time to spend on my commitments, like tonight's worship, so that I can be prepared to enter the presence of God, to lead His people before His throne.  I want to do these jobs well.

But all I do is just enough to survive.

Because somehow, doing even that little bit has become too much for me.

There's supposed to be rest in Him.  I'm supposed to work with all my heart to serve Him in all I do.  I'm supposed to find joy in these things.  I'm supposed to be a light to the world and everyone around me.  I'm supposed to take what He's entrusted me with and use it for Him, for His glory.  These are the right answers.  These are what I know are supposed to be true.  Somewhere in these crazy days of mine is supposed to be a freedom.

But I can't find it.  And I feel stuck.  I can't move forward until He beckons me.  And believe me, I am waiting for that.  But why should He give me something more when I won't use what He's given me now?

There are too many unknowns and not enough progress for my feeble mind.  Home buyers are starting to view my house again; soon I may need to move out.  I sense change coming from Him, but I see no signs of it.  My days remain the same long hours of filling out paperwork and cleaning poop and dealing with painstaking busywork.

I want something more...something less.  I want to be fulfilled, excited, joyful.  And I expect to find those things somewhere else, somewhere other than where I am.  But truthfully, I need to learn to find them here, right where God has placed me.