Pushing Forward - Life Lessons, part 5

I think I'm starting to wind down. If you need to catch up, here's part 1, part 2, part 3, and part 4.

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I had an argument with God about my misery one day on my drive home. I was supposed to be done working early that day. My plan was to go home and take care of a few chores, work out, get some down-time to myself, and enjoy my evening. As it turned out, I worked late and therefore had no time for any of the aforementioned activities. I was not happy. In fact, I was downright p***d off.

“God, I was supposed to be done early!”

Who said you were going to be?

“It was in the schedule! I was scheduled to be done early! I hate this job!”

Who said you were going to like it?

“You gave it to me! I’m always working late! I have no time to have friends!”

Who said you’re always going to have friends around?

“I never get to do what I want to! I hate never having any free time for myself!”

Who said your time was yours to have?

It went back and forth like this for a few minutes. I knew He was right. I had made my circumstances about me. After that last retort I was pretty much out of arguments. God was not feeling sorry for me like I wanted Him to. He wasn’t going to make things better because I had chosen to be miserable. I knew all this. But I didn’t like it. And knowing it just ticked me off even more.

So I pouted about it for a while. That’s how I handle most of my problems. I pout and mope. Eventually I was able to start to see what was going on. I still didn’t like it, but I could at least try to be reasonable.

I have known for a while that this time in my life is a season of preparation for me. For what, I am not sure. But right now my main purpose in life is Jeremiah 29:13. I am to seek God and find Him. This is a season for me to grow in Him. And in order for that to happen, He has had to strip me down to almost nothing.

I gave up a great community of friends, a schedule that allowed me to do things I enjoy, and the convenience of living in a city. I now had fewer friends and no time to enjoy them or anything else. The small town I moved to where everything closes at 6:00 was in the middle of nowhere. I was working in a job I didn’t enjoy that consumed just about every waking hour I had. Adjusting to such a schedule takes time and energy. By Wednesday of each week I was exhausted and had nothing left. Almost everything I once held dear I was now without. And for several months I fought it. Hard.

But after this angry exchange in my car, and a few other events, I began to see how God was working. He had to do things this way, because the lessons I needed to learn wouldn’t come any other way. Not that He wasn’t able to do it differently, but because I wouldn’t listen.

He was asking me to be dependent on Him. For everything.

And in order for me to realize my need for this dependence, He had to take it all away. And leave me with nothing else. Except Himself.

Does this mean I’ve learned my lesson and things are all hunky-dory again? Heavens, no. This dependence is a day-by-day choice I have to consciously make. When I stop doing it, He gives me a little nudge with His paring shears and I have to learn to do it all over again.

It’s all in my focus. When all I'm trying to do is survive long enough to finish the race, the wind blows hard and the rain slashes my face. I can’t breathe and I’m just barely stumbling forward. But when I am focused on running to Him, I don’t notice the wind and the rain as much. It's still there, beating at me from every side. But depending on God allows Him to unleash His awesome power in my life.

Because of Him, I can make it to the end.

. . . . .

Only one more to go! Then you can rest from this "marathon" series!