Get It

I don't get it.

I need to.  But I don't.

Maybe my heart is calloused from being immersed in these beliefs my whole life.  Maybe that has nothing to do with it.  Probably it's my own sinful heart that stands in the way.

I tend to think people who come to Christ at an older age have a deeper appreciation for His grace, a more thorough understanding of the meaning of the cross.  I wonder if I had known Christ for only a few months instead of my whole life if I would get it.

I think more highly of myself than I ought.  My heart reeks of pride.  It tells me I am good enough.  I am better than most.  I'm doing all the right things and am commendable before the LORD.  I don't worry about what He asks me to do, because what I'm already doing is good enough.  I think I don't need Him as much as I do.

But all of this reveals the ugly truth:  the attitude of my heart is detestable to Him. 

I stow away just enough pride to keep me self-sufficient.  I am independent.  I can take care of myself.

In my pride, I miss the point.  I carry a self-induced load that weighs me down so low that the truth of His grace goes right over my head.

I have enough knowledge to recognize that He says I need Him, can't make it without Him.  And so I say thank you, and I move on.

I want it to hit me like a train, crush me like a boulder, drown me like a hurricane.  I want the eyes of my heart to be opened so I can see how ugly my sin is, how much it ruins me.  I want to understand that I deserve hell, and I want to be so broken by the darkness of my heart that I can't stand up under it.  I want to so deeply grasp the truth of Grace that my tongue speeks freely from the overflow of my heart, so that I have no choice but to speak it to all who come near.

I want to no longer be silent.  I want boldness to replace my fear.  I want to be broken with the things that break His heart.  I want my purpose to be always in front of me, and I want to always be moving forward.  I want to live a life that demands an explanation.  I want to live in the only way that makes sense in the light of heaven and hell.

I need to get it.