The Task Before Me

He answered.

I asked Him to move, and He answered.  He broke through my walls and created a bit of a mess before helping me pick up the pieces.

He called me to change.  Not that I didn't already know this was there...but now He picked it up and held it out to me.

He wouldn't let me rest until I took it.  Examined it.  Held it up and looked at it with Him in the light of His Word and Grace.

The Truth has always been there.  But this time He spoke it gently and straight to my heart.  And oh, how it cut, dividing joint and marrow.

I know what I need to do.  He has told me.  It has long been written in ink for centuries.  I know it's there.  I know it's true.

But one thing still stops me.  One thing will continue to keep me from taking action and honoring Him.

One thing.

Me.

I hate that.  I hate that I get in the way of what is right and true.  But the flesh in me continues to balk, wanting nothing to do with change and clinging to the safe and comfortable.  Holding onto what I already know.  I will choose to fail.  I know that.  Because there is still too much of my own desire to keep me from His.  And I hate that.  But right now, my desire is stronger than my hate.

There is urgency in my lack of obedience, because I know that one day I will have to explain myself.  Try to reason with a holy God why I didn't want to do what He asked.  He will hold me responsible for the blood of those I did not warn, did not go to like He told me.

He is the Author and Giver of my life.  The One who chooses to let me take my next breath.  At some point, this breath will be my last, and I don't know when that is.  Could be my next breath.

And I will be standing before Him.

So I pray.  I ask for boldness.  I ask for the Spirit to move in me, to take over and get me out of the way.  I want to hear Him say well done.  I want Him to be pleased.  I imagine it will be so, because I imagine all the things I will do for Him - a few months down the road, a few years from now, when this thing comes to pass or when that thing happens.

But what if a few months down the road never comes?  What if I stand before Him tonight?  Will He still say well done?

I desire obedience, not sacrifice.

He has not given me the future.  He has given me now.  And He has told me what to do with the now.  But I am too weak.

So I ask for strength, for help.  I tell Him I cannot do it.  It's too much for me.  Because it is.  If it were easy, I'd have done it by now.  I need Him.  I need Him to help me.