This week held a few twists and turns I didn't see coming, and quite frankly, I would much rather have done without those surprises.  It's landed me in a place of confusion and pain, and I think the hardest part about it is I can't really do much of anything to make it better.  I've been reminded of the power words can wield and it's caused me to pause from my Lenten writings long enough to re-evaluate why I'm doing this in the first place.  And as I weed through all the thoughts and questions and doubts, I come back to my baseline of this:  God is leading me on an incredible journey of spiritual growth right now, and for this season of Lent I've committed to more time in prayer and the Word while He is working in my heart.

I've wondered this week if it's worth the price tag I didn't see attached when I committed.  It's costing me more than I ever bargained, and had I seen that coming I probably wouldn't have done it.  It's too late to undo anything, but what I don't see yet is how it all works out in the end.  There is beauty in the pain, and right now that looks like desperate hope and faith clinging with both arms around the neck of my Savior.  He is good, and His ways are good, and I have no choice but to trust Him through this.  Without Him there is no hope and all is lost.  But I am refusing to believe that, maybe if for no other reason than the alternative feels too much to bear.  

There is a prayer I've been praying with a certain end result in mind.  It's another thing I'm trusting God for, but what I didn't expect was the process He might use to get to that end.  I cannot survive this process without these truths:  my hope is in Him alone, His word will not return to Him empty but will accomplish what He desires, and when the process is complete I will find that I would not trade a single tear or ounce of pain for my joy that will be made complete in Him.  It is these times in the valley that strengthen and build, refine and purify to bring forth a harvest of my own soul.  The days ahead are scary and I don't know what they hold, but I know my God and He holds me.  That will be enough.

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters;

and you who have no money, come, buy and eat!

Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost.

Why spend money on what is not bread,

and your labor on what does not satisfy?

Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,

and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live.

I will make an everlasting covenant with you,

my faithful love promised to David....

Seek the LORD while he may be found;

call on him while he is near.

Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts.

Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him,

and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

'For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,'

declares the LORD.

'As the heavens are higher than the earth, 

so are my ways higher than your ways 

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

As the rain and snow come down from heaven, 

and do not return to it without watering the earth...

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty, 

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace..."

Isaiah 55