Life Single

Written words can speak volumes. We can read a book or a passage of Scripture, and something will smack us right upside the head, or whisper gently to our hearts.

But until the other day, I don't know that I've ever read something and felt like it was written for me only, as if the author had read the questions of my heart and personally penned an answer. This happened as I was reading about heaven.

You will experience love like you never dared imagine. This is good news for people who have never been "the most important person" in anyone's life. All shall have as much love as they desire . . . as much as they can bear. . . *

Wham.

This book was published twelve years ago. How did the author know that's the phrase I would throw around nearly a decade later?

I've never been the most important person to anyone.

God has blessed me with family and many friends. Very dear friends. But at this point in my life, most of my friends are now married. Many have multiple children. Our friendships are dominated by other relationships. Those that belong first to husbands and children.

I don't get to be anyone's most important person.

If I had a husband, I could be the center of his world. Everything we did would revolve around us, because our relationship comes before any other. I could be his priority. Hanging out wouldn't have to wait for a night without ball games, meetings, or the flu.

Now don't get me wrong. I am certainly not lamenting my singleness, for in it is a blessing that can never belong to those who are married. I recognize the responsibility and hardships that come with marriage. I quite enjoy the freedom I have to be able to run my own schedule rather than being tied down to someone else's. If God has a husband in my future, so be it. But I'm not making a point of seeking him out.

Still, living as a single in a world full of couples makes me painfully aware of my position of non-priority. Sometimes that's where lonliness enters. Even if they wanted to, my friends don't have a place for me at the top of their list. They can pencil me in only after everyone else is taken care of.

I belong to no one.

I am not naive enough to believe that married people never struggle with loneliness. I know many wives who live each day alone - the young farmer's wife with young children and no girlfriends nearby, the grandmother who sacrifices her own friendships to help raise her grandchildren, and the list could go on. Even happily married couples feel loneliness at times, though I must admit this seems a mystery to me.

When I feel all alone, I remember that living the life of the married won't necessarily fix that. I remember that no matter who or what or where I am in life, I will never be completely fulfilled. We were created by God, for God. Ingrained in each soul is a gap that only God can fill. Even those who pursue Jesus the hardest will still find themselves lacking.

In this life, we will never achieve complete fulfillment. We will always be found without, even in the best of circumstances. Our sin is just as ingrained in us as our God-shaped hole. As long as we are alive in our flesh, our longing for God will never be completely satisfied. Our sin separates us from God, no matter how holy our lives might seem.

But one day our sinful nature will be removed entirely and eternally. One day our flesh will die, and we will no longer be restricted and held back. One day God will make us complete and whole in Him. And we will be fulfilled. At long last, we will find complete contentment.

Until then, I remain in my flesh, riding up and down on the waves of singleness. I belong to no one. And sometimes, that knowledge is more than I know what to do with. But I hold on - weakly as my grasp might be - to the hope that my complete wholeness is yet to come. We will not find that in this life.

We were made for something greater.

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*When God Weeps by Joni Eareckson Tada & Steven Estes